Rules of Engagement
by Domestic Servant
Summary: Sasuke's clueless as always and Sakura is just about fed up. Anbu Captain her ass. And so, the KakaSaiNaru-three-musketeer-some arrives to save the day, much to Sasuke's chagrin! YAY!
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimed.**

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_"Listen up, you couch potatoes: each recycled beer can saves enough electricity to run a television for three hours." _

_-Denis Hayes_

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I'm Biodegradable, Baby

The Uchiha household was never one to be filled with catalogs and newspapers, so when he arrived home from a mission earlier that day, he was stunned to see the papers and little merchandise books lying around as if they'd been there forever. He carefully walked up to the closest catalog, as if it were an exploding tag, and saw that it was flipped to the jewelry section and was advertising a sale on engagement rings. He picked it up and put it under his arm, ready to recycle it (_Sakura was forcing him to greenify the household_) when he stepped on something quite crinkly. It was a newspaper, open to an advertisement for Konoha's most prominent jewelry store.

'_It can only be Zabuza's!'_

He peered at the slogan. "Huh, Zabuza sounds familiar..." Shaking his head of all thoughts that came in with the name Zabuza, he picked up the newspaper and put it along with the catalog. Only then did he realize that the whole living room was jampacked with the damned things and it would take him years to clean it all up.

_Okay_, not years. Maybe hours. But it would take a long time, nonetheless, and he was _not _willing to sacrifice this long-awaited night to pick up _trash._

A nagging voice in the back of his mind, eerily similar to Sakura's reminded him that catalogs and newspapers were most certainly _not _trash, it was _recycables._

Sasuke sighed. Sakura had managed to even turn his conscience against him. He wasn't _that _weak-minded, was he?

_Orochimaru would beg to differ. Righteously, of course._

But, Orochimaru was dead, so...

_Anyway, _Sasuke knitted his eyebrows together, set on not cleaning up the biodegradable mess. Instead, he opted to make himself comfortable on his couch and turn on the television and do what all men in a relationship were supposed to do.

_Be lazy._

Now of course, this laziness was only when Sakura wasn't home, and bless his soul, she was off doing something with one of her girlfriends somewhere. He only hoped she would be back by the time the Tila Tequila marathon would be over. She wasn't especially fond of that show and always made him feel kind of..._gay_ when he made her watch it with him. He took another look around the room, eyeing the mess of papers, strewn about, and shrugged to himself.

"I'll do it later."

Several hours later, to be exact, it was about ten in the evening, Sakura opened the front door, bidding goodbye to Ino and Hinata, laughing jovially along the way. She slammed the door shut with only the nudge of her foot and surveryed the room, finding that her newspaper and catalog mess was still there. Shifting her eyes to the couch, she found Sasuke, sleeping and quietly snoring, facing the television. She rolled her eyes, took a newspaper, rolled it up and swatted her boyfriend a few times.

Sasuke was jolted awake.

"Wha-? Oh. Hi, Sakura." Sasuke sat up, rubbing his eyes and yawning and smoothing down his hair.

"What's all this?" she gestured at the mess. Normally, she would have yelled and directed all of her anger from the hospital onto him, but seeing as it was her day-off and she had spent the whole of it relaxing with her friends, there really was no anger.

"Uhm...paper?"

"Yeah. It's paper that _I _left for _you_!"

"I'll recycle it later. I'm _tired."_

Sakura rolled her eyes again, understanding that Sasuke just wasn't getting the hint. "Whatever. I'm going to bed."

Sasuke's tired gaze followed his girlfriend's back (_ass), _and he was contemplating on joining her when all of a sudden a most frightening thought occured to him!

"_OH MY GOD, I MISSED, LIKE, HALF OF THE TILA TEQUILA MARATHON!"_ Sasuke fumbled around on the couch, searching for the remote, and once he did, he promptly pressed the _1_ button.

"Thank God for OnDemand," he sighed.

"You're such a _dork," _he heard Sakura yell from upstairs.

Dork or not, he _was _an Uchiha. So it all evened out in the end. That was his reasoning. And, of course, it made no sense, but when did Sasuke ever make sense?

--

The next morning came quickly and Sasuke was still glued to the television, having watched the entire first season and nearly all of the second. Sakura descended from the stairs groggily and tsked. _Typical_, she thought.

"How long til that's over?" she asked, preparing to make tea.

"I'm on the last episode," he droned.

"Are you...okay?" She peered out from the kitchen eyed her boyfriend. His eyes were bloodshot and his face was paler than usual from the all-nighter. And the circles underneath his eyes didn't make him look any healthier.

"I'll...make you some tea," she decided.

He nodded absently. It was only about 15 minutes later when the finale ended that Sasuke came trudging into the kitchen. He sat himself at the table, wide-eyed. "I was _not _expecting that..."

Sakura didn't really like the show, so she decided the conversation was going to end there. She had had plans to get a new subject going, as she watched Sasuke sip at his tea, but he kind of beat her to it.

"Do you think _I _could win on the show?"

Totally not expecting _that _question, Sakura spit out her tea, slammed her cup down, and glared at Sasuke. "Ex_cuse _me?"

He rolled his eyes. "Do. You. Think. I. Could. Win. On. The. Show?"

"Hell _no_, we're in a re_la_tionship," she enunciated. "Idiot."

The two continued to drink their tea in silence, with Sakura giving glares towards Sasuke now and then. But the ominous silence was interrupted by a few raps on the door and then a slam. A few clouds of dust and debree filtered into the kitchen and Sakura got up to investigate.

Sasuke didn't bother getting up. He'd be able to hear who was in the doorway when Sakura yelled at them anyway.

"_Sai_..." he heard her growl. "Is there a reason why you kicked my door down?"

"Yes," he replied calmly and serenely. "No one was answering the door, so I took matters into my own hands :D"

Sasuke heard a few light steps towards the kitchen, obviously Sai's, and following his were angry thumps. Sai floated in, grabbed Sasuke's tea, and sat down, crossing his legs, while Sakura slammed her bottom down on her chair and glared at Sai.

"You're fixing my door."

Waving her off, Sai positioned himself so that he could look at them both without turning his neck every five seconds.

"So," he started. "What's with all the crap in your living room?"

Sasuke jerked his head towards his girlfriend, indicating the mess was all her doing.

"For a _reason,_" she defended. "That you, obviously, are too dumb enough to understand."

Sasuke scowled and cracked his neck. "Maybe I understand it, but I just don't want to do anything about it!" Obviously, he had no idea what he was talking about, but, when in doubt...

_PRETEND!_

"_What _did you just say?" Sakura shrieked, suddenly standing up and slamming her two hands on the table. Sai was enjoying watching the interaction between the couple and merely sat there, smiling his Sai-smile with his hands clasped in his lap.

"You damn well better know what I just said. Weren't you listening, woman?" By then, Sasuke's arms were crossed over his chest in a defensive manner, as Sakura gritted her teeth, trying to contain her anger.

"You know, I have every means to just..._break up _with you right now. You fucking _ass_hole," she yelled, getting teary-eyed. She wiped her eyes with the back of her hands and sniffled, all the while glaring at the Uchiha, who was quite surprised at her threat to end their relationship.

Really, did he say something wrong?

"_I don't want to do anything about it_," she mocked. Her voice shook and quivered with all of her attempts to keep herself composed.

On the sidelines, Sai was watching with a keen interest. It was just like his morning soaps, only _better!_

"Wha-wha-wha...?" was all Sasuke could get out at the moment. He honestly did not know why she was getting all worked up. "Did I say something...wrong?" he asked carefully.

Sakura glared at him with all of her might and stormed out, screaming in frustration.

He turned to Sai, confusion etched all over his face. "Did I say something _wrong?"_

Sai just shook his head in pity for the Uchiha, trying his hardest to contain his laughter. As heartbreaking as it was seeing the once-prideful Sasuke look around like a lost puppy...

_It was damn funny as hell._

From the doorway, a crunching sound was heard. Someone had walked in and was now stepping all over the debris the broken door had left.

A hand curled over the wall connecting the kitchen to the hallway and a familiar head peeked over to the two boys. Sasuke grimaced and slammed his head on the table while Sai was still attempting to get a hold of himself.

This day couldn't get _any_ worse.

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**Okay. So if you haven't read _Our Song, _you may just want to go over and skim the first paragraph...OR PERHAPS IT ALL XDDD.**

**JK.**

**Kay, you don't have to go read it, as it may spoil what happens in the end, but if you HAVE read it, this is just going into details of HOW it happened. Eh? Make sense? Yeah, it probably doesnt, but when have I ever made any sense?**

**I've become really into sasusaku...I don't know why! It's such a pretty couple XP**

**But yeah, this'll be definitely a three-shot, or a two-shot, or a four-shot, or a less-than-ten-but-more-than-one-shot. Ya know how it goes! I hope there was enough humor in this? Ughh, school starts in a few and I just have been _blah _with ideas and crap. This took me awhile to finish, I swear.**

**But I hope you like it!! If you've read..._Our Song _and _What's in a Name, _you'd probably know that Kakashi, Sai, and Naruto have a part in everything that happens...because, well, they're just awesome like that. But, there will be a part where Sakura's girlfriends will be there. Just sayin, ahaha. JUST TO MIX THINGS UP!There won't be any references to anything in those two, even though they're all related because this one is earlier...since they're not married nor are they having a child. OOPS. I may have spoiled some things. **

**Oh well. I hope that doesn't make me lose readers. With my luck, it probably has, but bear with me XDD**

**But yeah! KakaSaiNaru-three musketeers ship FTW. **

**They fix everything. **

**Any issues, ideas (I NEED THEM), laughs, uhm, thoughts...on this just review or something. **

**'Kay, I highly recommend the REVIEW though, ahahah XPP**

**I'm sorry if you actually read this entire A/N. Seriously. I just ramble and ramble and ramble. **

**AGAIN: don't forget to review and please tell me if you like it :D I'll still continue, but my humor gets sharper with encouragement, ahahah...!!**

**I hoped you enjoyed this...first joyous chapter.**

**SALUD! **

**PS. back to school NAY!**


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimed.**

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_"If I could be reincarnated as a fabric, I would come back as a 38 double-D bra." - Jesse Ventura_

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Underwire for Men

Sakura was leaning with her back aganist the wall and her head tilted so that she could clearly hear what the three men in her kitchen were saying. Obviously, her assumptions were that they were all having a manly talk about her and how bitchy she was and she could just imagine, vividly, Kakashi jumping to sit his fat, ninja ass on her spotless counters, inquiring as to whether or not her _'time of the month'_ had arrived and if it had ever left at all. And then she could visualize Sai quoting some stupid self-help book aimed at the aid of socially inept losers and Sasuke would just sit there and wallow in his bottomless pit of menial and pointless angst. Sometimes she thought about shoving Naruto's yellow head up the Uchiha's ass just to see if he'd lighten up a bit.

Hm...maybe it _was_ her time of the month...

Sakura looked towards the heavens, counting the days, and, deciding the math was not worth her time, she let it go. Why should she care anyway? In fact, knowing full well how uncomfortable her lady-problems made Sasuke, she had decided then and there to let it pass freely as she slept. Then, maybe Sasuke would learn who and what he was dealing with.

Yes. _Ha_haha. Sleep Sasuke and wake up to a bed filled with _blood._

Of a sudden, she heard murmers coming from the downstairs area. Craning her neck further, her field-trained ears strained to hear clearly.

"_--and so then I told the lady at the market that the beets I had bought from her were of my dissatisfaction, and I asked for a refund. And get this. No. Refund. My God, people these days. I can't get a good, quality beet anywhere! It's all crap for a shitload of money."_

_"I feel ya, Kakashi. You wouldn't believe the outrageous prices on simple iceburg lettuce. There's nothing more I want to do on a Saturday afternoon than to walk the streets of Konoha, munching on lettuce. I can barely afford it now. You think these inferior civilians would understand that ninjas do not get paid as heftily as they assume."_

_"Why do I associate with you guys?"_

Sakura rolled her eyes. Was this really the jist of their conversation? Beets, lettuce, and Sasuke finally understanding that he sucks at choosing friends? Except for her, of course. She was an exception. He did good in choosing her as a girlfriend. Not only did she set him straight in ways that even she could not put into words, but he was also going on a domestic kind of downward spiral. Why, she remembered the first time she came over to his house using the set of keys he gave her, she had found him sleeping on the couch, a bowl of Ninja-O's on his lap, chimes to the left of him and bongos to the right, while a pornographic shinobi-produced film was rolling on mute.

_Kakanarusai Productions Present: Three Kunoichi and a Cup _

Needless to say, it was a useful source of blackmail. Really. Who knew Sasuke Uchiha was into chimes, bongos, and Ninja-O's? And this was at two in the afternoon, as well.

Pretty sad.

The voices downstairs carried upwards again, allowing the medic to listen in on their seemingly innocent conversation.

_"So what's with all the papers and catalogs? And seriously. Didn't Zabuza die like, a long time ago? How in the hell did he open up a ring store?"_

_"Surely there are more than one Zabuzas."_

_"No...there's only one Zabuza in my book...my _bingo _book, that is. Hahah!"_

_"Lame."_

_"Better than whatever you can pull outta your ass, Uchiha. So, really, what is with all this crap on the floor?"_

_"Iunno. I assumed Sakura just wanted to feel domineering or something and so makes me pick up a ridiculous amount of mess?"_

_"But they're all open to ring sections, could it be that..."_

Sakura's eyebrows perked up. Yes! Go Sai! She always knew him to be the smarter one!

"_...she wants you to make more money so that she could obtain all the jewelry she so desires?"_

_"I'm sure the Uchiha estate has a hidden bank of shitloads of money. I'm telling you, Sasuke, just take out the 45th brick on the west wall and you'll find more cash than you use."_

Sakura frantically grabbed a pen that she had habitually stuck in her hair. Forty-fifth brick on west wall: money!

There, now, money never hurt anybody, right? Though she rolled her eyes at Sai's misfire. She had lied. He wasn't the smarter one. All three, including Naruto who wasn't present, were of equal stupidity.

Seriously.

She turned around, finding that eavesdropping on a useless conversation would yield no results. As Sakura fell backwards on her bed, she eyed the phone, remembering her little pep-talk from Ino yesterday.

_"Just do it for him, then. A man can't do everything, you know! He won't understand subtle hints, either. Be blunt about it!"_

Blunt. She had to be blunt.

But how stupid would she look if she went up to him and _asked_ him to get married? Or maybe she could demand...

Yeah, demanding seemed better fit.

This was stupid.

Sakura sighed again, cursing the heavans for making Sasuke so thick-headed. For making everyone around her so thick-headed, actually.

She got up and trudged back downstairs, glaring at the three boys who opted to stare as she made her entrance.

"What?" she snapped.

"Nothing, nothing," replied Kakashi.

"No...actually..." Sai trailed off, tapping his chin and surveying Sakura up and down. "You're boobs are quite voluptuous this morning."

She quirked an eyebrow. "Excuse me?"

Sai continued on without missnig a beat. "I mean, usually women hold their weight in their thighs, but I guess you're lucky enough that it goes up to your chest area...though I suppose you'll be suffering when you're older, with gravity and all..."

"Have you seen Tsunade?" piped in Kakashi. He didn't want to be left out now! Especially since the conversation was about boobs!

"She probably tapes them up or something. I doubt they can hold themselves up that efficiently without support. And God knows Konoha is lagging behind with the bra technology."

"I totally agree," nodded Kakashi. Sakura and Sasuke looked between the two Anbu-ers, their faces contorting into an expression of explicit disturbedness. Never in their life had they seen an intelligent conversation on breasts before. But then again, the two shinobi currently partaking in the discussion were fraught with well-hidden social and mental disorders. "Have you been to Suna lately? They have a store there that's centered on that kind of stuff. I mean, it's full of pretty kinky shit, but I hear the quality is out_standing_. Though I can't figure out what '_underwire_' is."

"I think, perhaps, it's wire that they put in the piece to keep the support?" suggested Sai.

They both widened their eyes, having thought the same thing at the same time. Stroking their invisible beards together, they nodded thoughtfully. "I wonder if it's possible for _underwear_ to have underwire..." they both said simultaneously.

"Okay! Sorry if I interrupt this meaningful and thrilling conversation, but _hello_? Sai. Kakashi. Get out."

"But _whhhyyyy_!?" whined Sai. "The day was just getting good!"

"Sorry, but Sasuke and I are leaving and I don't want you two to stay in the house alone."

"We are?"

"Yes! We are. We need stuff and you're coming with. Lazy ass."

"Fine, fine. Let me change though." It was a wonder how submissive Sasuke had become since Sakura was introduced into his life with an intimate role. Before she became his girlfriend, he was able to say no to her about anything and everything, but now, it was as if his no button was turned off around her person. It was frustrating to say the least, but he couldn't fully say he regretted anything he did with her.

He came back downstairs, having only changed his pants, and put some shoes on, when Sakura grabbed his hand and glared at Kakashi and Sai. For what reason? They could not fathom. When had they ever done anything to Sakura that resulted in something bad...

...on purpose?

Never!

_Exactly!_

It was always an _accident._

Which could be why she wanted Sasuke and herself away from the destructive twosome as long as she could. She heard that Naruto was going to be back soon, and she didn't want the terrible twosome to become the incredibly terrible threesome and ruin her genius plan of making Sasuke _see _and _realize. _

Back in the house, Kakashi and Sai peered out the window, watching the couple round the corner and disappear from sight. Sai turned to the elder who was actually quite young. "Follow them?"

_"Oh yeah."_

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Okay. Part two. This took a long time. I did one draft, decided it sucked, then did this one, left it, and then worked on it some more. And here it is. Chapter 2.

I hope you enjoy!

_Adios!_


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